


my thoughts, such a mess

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Faked Death, M/M, Reunion, lexi doesn’t exist in this universe, no happy ending (sorry!), talk of grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27312646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: Callum looks on as if he’s seen a ghost. This can’t be real, it’s been six years. Six years of thinking and believing he’d been taken away from him.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	my thoughts, such a mess

**Author's Note:**

> tw: talk of death and grief 
> 
> look after yourselves and happy halloween 🎃 x

Callum looks on as if he’s seen a ghost. This can’t be real, it’s been six years. Six years of thinking and believing he’d been taken away from him.

Six years of learning and finding ways to cope without him. Six years of moving on and rebuilding a life for himself. A life he wasn’t sure he’d be able to have at one point.

A life with a new partner. A new future. A future that didn’t have Ben Mitchell in it, however much Callum carried him around in his heart.

Now his heart felt like it had stopped and he was trying to catch his breath as the man in front of him began to take cautious steps towards him.

“Cal- Callum, is it really you?” Ben asked, as if Callum had been the one to go and have Ben believe he’d died.

“Yeah. Yeah it’s me,” Callum replied, not sure how to react.

Did he shout and scream and demand answers? Did he cry and pull Ben into a tight embrace in relief? Did he leave Ben and his past behind him and focus on the here and now? The life he’d started just outside of Walford with Jason?

A smile began to form on Ben’s face in amazement, “ya haven’t changed at all.”

But he had. How could Ben ever know him after _six years?_ So much had changed.

“I wasn’t sure you’d still be around,” Ben seemed to get closer. “God. It’s so good to see ya.”

_It’s so good to see ya._

“Are you serious? I thought you’d died, Ben! I was told the worst news imaginable and now ya just show up out of nowhere without so much as an explanation and ya expect me to be all opened armed about it?” Callum frowned, face red with years of hushed and squashed anger. “You’re just as self-centred as you were back then.”

“That’s not fair,” Ben sighs.

“What’s not fair is thinking you’ve lost the love of your life and then him turning back up expecting a welcome home party,” Callum snaps. “I - I’ve moved on, I’ve got a boyfriend, a home…”

Ben’s nostrils flare before he drops his head. “I deserve that. Can I just have five minutes of your time to explain?”

“What good will that do?” Callum’s arms come out to his sides in exasperation. “The damage has already been done and there’s no going back from that.”

Callum can’t wait for Ben to say anything back, he’s not sure he can handle it. He turns away and prays his legs don’t give up on him.

*

Callum doesn’t tell Jason anything. He wouldn’t be able to answer all the questions Jason would have.

Jason knows little about Ben and that’s the way Callum wants to keep it. He knows he was Callum’s first _proper_ love and Callum felt at the time that was enough.

He knows he was the one to meet Callum at his lowest and the one to build him back up and fix his heart and love him back to his usual self.

Callum spends the night listening to Jason talk about his day and he embraces Jason’s hug for longer when they finally get into bed.

He holds Jason’s hand as he falls asleep. Visions of Ben’s face cloud his mind, forcing him to hold onto Jason tighter in hope of them disappearing.

Callum’s not sure they ever do, waking up in the morning with a aching heart.

*

Walford isn’t far to get to, but Callum spent years avoiding the place when he’d finally moved on. He didn’t want to come back to memories and faces of a life that wasn’t his anymore.

It’s been a week since seeing Ben and Callum could have carried on walking past the square, but he feels a _pull._ He doesn’t want to think it’s because he knows Ben is back and there’s a chance he’ll see him again.

He doesn’t need to see him again. He doesn’t _need_ to bring Ben back into his life, there’s no place for him anymore.

Callum thinks of Jason. It’s enough to make him turn around and head home.

*

Callum met Jason in the police force. He was the only one not to bad mouth Ben when he had gone missing. He could see how much Callum didn’t need that, he needed support and a shoulder to cry on and Jason was there.

And he continued to be there. Even on the days Callum told him he was better off alone, that he was no good for him.

Jason must have seen something, something that had told him not to give up. Two years later the gentleness behind Callum’s eyes began to come back, he began to smile and laugh and mean it.

That’s what made it worth it.

“Everything alright?” Jason asked, his fingers combing Callum’s hair. “You’ve been quiet.”

Callum thought about lying, but he had learnt the hard way about doing that before. He’d lied to Ben day in and day out, to protect him, but then he had lost him and it was too late. It was all for nothing.

Callum takes a long breath before grabbing Jason’s hand, “it’s Ben,” Callum licks his lips, diverts his eyes away from the worry on Jason’s face. “He’s - he’s not dead and I saw him a week ago. He’s back in the square.”

Jason laughs in shock, “babe are you sure it was him? It could have been-“

“It was him,” Callum says a little snappy. “I spoke to him for a bit, but I couldn’t stay around.”

“You spoke to him? What did he say?”

“Not a lot. I was angry and confused,” Callum stares at a photo of him and Jason on holiday and tries to relax. “He wanted to explain, but I didn’t wanna be around him. I couldn’t.”

Jason nods slowly. “Maybe ya should try again? Get some closure.”

“I had closure!” Callum blinks hard, “I’d finally got my life back together, I’d accepted it. Everything didn’t feel so broken anymore and now this. I can’t believe he’d even show his face here.”

“It’s all he knows,” Jason shrugs. “It’s his home, Callum.”

“Why are ya being so nice?” Callum huffs.

“Learnt that off you, didn’t I? Jason says, smiling when Callum smiles too. “Look, whatever you decide to do, I’m going to be here for you, alright?”

Callum nods, thanks him with a small kiss to his forehead before heading into the kitchen to prepare food.

Ben remains at the forefront of his mind.

*

“Let me,” Ben smiles, appearing out of nowhere and blinding Callum as if looking directly up at the sun.

“I’ve got it,” Callum swallows, clutching the bottle of wine in his hand.

Ben looks down at the bottle, “when did ya start being a wine drinker?”

“It’s not for me,” Callum looks around the shop, just anywhere that isn’t Ben.

“Ah,” Ben nods. “For the boyfriend.”

The tone of Ben’s voice makes Callum snap his head back round. “Why ya so bothered?”

Ben just laughs, but it’s not real. He drops his head and looks at the floor.

_You know why._

Callum regrets coming to the square. He could have gone anywhere for the wine. _Anywhere_ but here.

Callum makes a move to leave, he didn’t come here looking for an argument. He didn’t come here looking for Ben, and right now, he isn’t sure what words would fall out of his mouth if he was to stay.

Seeing Ben again brings all the anger, hurt and grieving back. It comes and goes in waves, some rougher than others and right now his feet feel like lead.

“I’ve gotta go,” Callum utters, trying not to linger on Ben’s hair.

His fingers begin to burn, his heart beating harder at the reminder of the feel of Ben’s hair through his fingers. It feels like yesterday.

“Let me take ya for a drink?” Ben lifts his head back up, a desperate look in his eye. “Doesn’t have to be around here, doesn’t even have to be a pint. We can go for a coffee if ya prefer?”

“Why?” Callum shrugs, the word _yes_ heavy on his tongue, but everything else telling him no.

“Because we can still be friends,” Ben’s smile is small. “I’ll even throw in a cheeky muffin.”

Callum’s laughing before he can even think or help himself. A blush spreads across his cheeks so effortlessly and Ben doesn’t miss it. His eyes softening at the sight, Callum remembers all the times Ben called him gorgeous when he’d blush.

It’s nothing but memories. All good ones that built them, ones that made Callum fall deeper in love with Ben.

“Alright,” Callum breathes.

Callum wishes Ben didn’t smile up at him the way he does.

“Tomorrow good for ya? Around 10?” Ben’s still smiling, the cute one he did when Callum used to say or do something that made Ben so happy he couldn’t even conceal his emotions.

Callum just nods along before making a quick exit.

*

“Two pumpkin spiced lattes to go please,” Ben places their order with Callum awkwardly by his side.

“What about that muffin ya promised me?” Callum mumbles, unsure of why he’s even saying it.

Ben laughs, “can I have a strawberry and vanilla muffin too?”

“Ya didn’t even ask me what one I wanted-“

“Am I wrong?” Ben quirks up his eyebrow.

“No,” Callum blushes _again_ and shakes his head.

Ben just grins up at him before they grab their stuff.

They walk quietly through a park, it’s slow and feels relaxed. Orange and brown leaves crunch under their feet.

It’s Ben who speaks first, “does ya boyfriend know you’re with me?”

Callum somehow thought he could have avoided chat about Jason, Ben obviously had other ideas. “Yeah I did. He thinks it’ll ‘clear the air.’ Thinks I need it to be able to forgive you properly.”

“And what do you think?” Ben asks tentatively, taking a sip of his drink.

Callum shrugs. “My head feels like a mess,” he admits. “There’s just so much going on.”

“Ya can ask me anything ya want, ya know? I’ll be honest with you about it all.” Ben suddenly stops, taking in a breath. “Just know first that I thought about ya every day, missed you… missed _us_ and I love you now just as much as I did then.”

“Ben-,” Callum shakes his head.

“I _know,”_ Ben scratches the back his neck. “I’m not expecting anything. That ain’t what I’m trying to do here. _I_ just needed to let ya know, because I don’t want ya to ever think I did what I did because I don’t think the world of ya,” Ben laughs, closing his mouth firmly. “What they put in this latte?”

Callum just stares at him, “I missed it all too.”

Maybe it’s too honest, Callum feels thoughts like those should be locked away now, but Callum feels less pressure on himself for saying it aloud.

A shaky laugh escapes Ben’s lips, his blue eyes focused on Callum’s lips. “Dad said it was for the best,” Ben starts unprompted. “Said I needed to lay as low as possible because a job went wrong and people were after us. I asked him to tell ya, to get you to come with me, but he wasn’t having any of it,” a cold expression flashes across Ben’s face. “Then he was telling everyone Danny and his boys had got to me, and what could I do? I couldn’t even speak to you… to mum. I was alone, scared,” Ben steps a little step closer. “I hate him. I hate him for making me lose the most important person in my life.”

Callum feels useless for the longest time, just watching Ben. “I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry, Cal.”

“Alright,” Callum nods a little. “It’s alright,” his hand finds space on Ben’s arm. “Ya don’t have to say anything else,” Callum whispers. “I get why ya had to do it. Your dad was… well, ya know what I think of him,” Callum tries to laugh, but his throat is dry and Ben’s eyes are glistened with tears that it comes out a strained sound. “I forgive ya.”

Ben blinks, a tear falling down his cheek. “Callum you-“

“I spent years grieving, years being angry. I don’t want to be angry anymore. You should forgive yourself, too.”

Ben looks down at Callum’s hand on his arm. “I’ve never been good enough for ya,” Ben shakes his head.

“Have we just time lapsed back to 2019?” Callum laughs and stupidly rubs his hand up Ben’s arm until its cold against Ben’s neck.

_God._

Laughs fall to silence when Ben’s eyes close and he leans into Callum’s touch.

Callum feels his body caving, ready to give in and throw away years of rebuilding for the one in front of him.

His phone goes off in his pocket, making them jump apart and Callum knows a sign when he sees one.

_Jason calling…_

A life so cold and cruel.


End file.
